That Homicidal Feeling

A wise man by the name of Dane Cook once said, “There are certain sounds in this world, that when you hear them, it makes you want to punch a baby…. It makes you want to PUNCH a BABY.”

Like me, I’m sure Cook suffers from misophonia, which is a hatred of very specific sounds.

Unfortunately, I’m surrounded daily by living, breathing humans. And that bothers me. To the point where I’m ready to take a stapler or an ice pick to someone’s head. And I’m sure you’re thinking, “grow up,” “get over it.”

It’s not that easy. I really wish I could.

Since I’ve begun searching for a home, I’m torn between wanting to move closer to the city and far, far away from it. Currently, I’m thrown into a rage–

My coworker is kicking his desk and I. Just. Can’t.

Okay, he’s done. Now I just have to wait for the tightness in my chest to unwind.

As I was saying, I’m thrown into a rage any time I step outside. There’s traffic, neighbors shouting, ugly children screaming bloody murder (honestly, Realtor.com should allow you to filter out neighborhoods with young children), car alarms, lawn mowers, dogs barking (usually my own), wildlife (the chirping of birds fuel my nightmares), power tools, lawn mowers, people hammering on their decks.

LAWN MOWERS.

This affects my reading. I have trouble tuning out these noises enough to be able to delve into the story properly. And when I finally do, some asshat with a Harley comes along and breaks my concentration.

At work, it’s a whole ‘nother story. My trigger sounds:

 

• Eating. Slurping, smacking, chomping, chewing with mouth open. Snapping chips in your mouth like a goddamn shark. You do not need to attack that little slice of potato. It’s already dead.
• Yawning. You have two freebies before I get pissy.
• Sniffling. So painful. So, so painful.
• Breathing loudly. Especially when their nose whistles.
• Humming, tapping, drumming, beat-boxing. 
• Sucking through your teeth. Are you missing a tooth? Is there something stuck there? There’s no reason to ever make this noise.
• Talking. When people talk and there’s a clicky noise like they have spit or something in the back of their throat.
• My left eye. Sometimes I hear it blinking. Mocking me.

I know this isn’t normal. I shouldn’t want to bludgeon someone because they’re human. And I know I’m not the quietest person alive. But I take care not to make noise.

In middle school, when me and my friends were obsessed with the movie Chicago, we used to sing the song “Cell Block Tango.” My part was always the crazy who didn’t like her husband poppin’ gum:

So, I said to him,
I said, “you pop that
gum one more time…”
and he did
So I took the shotgun off the wall
and fired two warning shots…
…into his head

I didn’t realize how fitting that part was until now. But really, he had it coming.

Does anyone else have this problem? Does it affect your reading/writing/work life?