In Which I Dream of Humming Birds

How you doin’?

What does it mean when you dream of incestuous, necrophilic humming birds?

It means you’ve left the window open again and the nest of hatchlings outside are making an ungodly racket.

Which begs the question, do humming birds actually chirp? I’ve never heard one.

In my dream, I was back in high school again, searching desperately for a toilet, which, according to this article, means I’m weighed down by something, and I don’t know how to get rid of it.

Poppycock. I just really had to pee in real life. Fair warning: this will be a common theme in my dreams.

So I’m about to do my business-which I’m glad I didn’t because I honestly worry I’ll wet the bed (not that I ever have, mind you)-when I hear this chirping.

I search the stall and lo and behold, in the toilet paper dispenser, one of those big plastic ones with the double rolls, there is a nest. Crowded inside the nest is an exotic, pink flower of unknown species (because like I care; plants are dumb). And buzzing around that useless flower is an itty bitty baby hummingbird.

And it’s dead mother.

Just flopping around, being all lifeless.

Naturally, I was appalled and felt the urge to release this little guy. That is, until he began speaking in a sleazy human voice. Not to me, of course, but to his dead mother. And he was hitting on her.

I can guarantee I didn’t let the little sicko out.